Zero Experience Required
by LeonPolaris
Summary: The same day the SSS decides to disband a while after the events of Trails from Zero, they get a final request from the IBC. A simple request. Film an employee etiquette guideline, at the behest of Mariabell Crois. They agreed.


Afternoon meant that the SSS only had a few hours left of actually existing before everyone's decision to disband came into effect. It was a bit sad to think that all they had to do was stare at each other's faces while idly walking up and down the building making sure that everything was still as they had left it.

Randy: "Argh! I can't take it anymore! This is not how I figured our last day would go." He slammed his hand on the sofa as he jumped up, making for the door. 

Randy: "I'm going to the jazz bar, I don't car-" He stopped short once he realized that Elie was grabbing his jacket politely while also reaching for her revolver.

Elie: "Ra-n-dy? Where might you be going on our very last day?"

Randy: "Uh..." Face white from the below zero temperature that her glare radiated. Reluctantly he got back to his seat.

After the picnic earlier they had decided to each go their separate ways for a while to move on with their lives in other ways. Dieter Crois had been elected to run the State of Crossbell which would surely mean that they could finally take a break from having to dodge insane cults, at least for a while. Estelle and Joshua had already gone back to Liberl with Renne in tow, but even then, the bracers in Crossbell would be more than enough to deal with problems, same as it was before the SSS was founded.

Tio was typing away at the orbal computer while Lloyd worked on his fishing rod, intent on keeping it on pristine condition if he needed it for some unfathomable reason.

Tio: "Ah..." Her small voice almost inaudible "Lloyd? I think we have a support request..."

Lloyd: "Really? Who's it from?"

Everyone proceeded to huddle around her while she read out loud.

Tio: "Dear SSS, I, Mariabell Crois, humbly request your help. As acting president of the IBC I've encountered that the company has no employee conduct policy in place and I want that to change as soon as possible. I've heard about your upcoming disbanding. If you were to have time prior to that, I'd like to request that the SSS helps me make a small video detailing proper conduct for our employees."

Everyone scratched their heads.

Lloyd: "I mean... sure we can do it but why us specifically?"

Elie: "And how does she even know we're disbanding?"

Randy: "As expected of Mariabell Crois, not only is she fit to run the company she inherited but also keep track of current even-"

Elie: "Yes, yes. That's enough out of you." She checked her Enigma, thinking she might have gotten a call but it wasn't the case. "That's weird..."

Tio: "It also says that it has to be today and that all the equipment and extras are there."

Randy: "Extras? How big is this thing?"

Lloyd: "In any case, I think it's a good change of pace. And a nice note to disband the SSS on."

Elie: "I'm not opposed to this, but does anyone have filming experience?" Still trying to figure out how Bell knew that they were disbanding.

Randy: "I imagine it's not that different from using a gun's sights. I could be wrong though."

Tio: "A camera is a modern orbal device that is used to record a series of images..." she was reciting something she was reading on the orbal computer.

Randy: "T, get to the good part."

Tio's eyes moved franctically across the screen.

Randy: "I never understood how she does that..." scratching the back of his head puzzled.

Elie: "Maybe we should finish packing up first." She started going up the stairs.

Lloyd: "I'll go finish washing the dishes" He dissapeared into the kitchen.

Randy: "Did anyone see Koppe? I still haven't given fed him."

Elie: "Have you checked the roof?" Her voice already distant on the other floor.

Tio: "The proper way to use a camera..." absorbed in reading out loud to no one in particular.

After a quick last minute check to make sure everyone had packed properly, the crew departed the building as the SSS for one last time.

A nice breeze waved Elie's hair gently around as she stepped out. A small walk up the stairs had them meet up with Kate in her police car.

Kate: "Oh hi! Is the SSS on another request?"

Lloyd: "Hi Kate, in fact we were heading to the IBC for one."

Kate: "Oh I'm almost done with my shift. I can get you closer to the police station in the car if you wait for a few."

Elie: "Oh no, we couldn't possibly-"

Kate: "You sure? I mean I'm heading there with the car anyways..."

Lloyd: "It's fine Kate, besides it's our final request so we might as well walk there. It's not even that far."

Tio elbowed Lloyd.

Kate: "Yeah I guess it isn't that far. Well, have fun guys!" 

Randy: "Bye Kate!" He walked past her briskly while putting his arm around Lloyd while he waved with his other hand. Elie bowed to her and caught up with a small jog.

Kate waved back at them.

Kate: "Wait what do you mean final request!?"

Randy and Tio both elbowed Lloyd again.

A small walk led them to the gates of the IBC where a delighted Mariabell waited for them.

Mariabell: "Oh! You came!" She made a beeline for Elie who seemed reluctant to accept her hug in front of Lloyd and everyone else "I'm so glad you did! I wasn't sure who to call but then I remembered that you are always saving Crossbell and who better to call for a video like this?"

Lloyd: "It's... our pleasure to work with you." He said while scratching his head, as Bell ignored him to continue hugging Elie.

Tio: "We heard that everything is already set up for this request... If so, I'd like to get started immediately."

Mariabell: "Oh, yes. I'm sorry for delaying I just felt so happy for seeing my belove-"

Elie dodged a hug by pretending to tie her shoelaces.

Lloyd: "Lead the way, please." cracking an awkward smile.

They entered the IBC. Elie put a strand of her hair behind her ear.

Elie: "So, Bell... How did you know about our disbanding?"

Lloyd did a double take, before whispering to Tio and Randy.

Lloyd: "How come I get elbowed and she doesn't?"

Randy: "Because it's always like this with you. You never catch any hints even when it comes to girls."

Lloyd: "Wait what does that have to do with anything. Also what do you mean I don't catch any hints!?"

Bell and Elie were absorbed in conversation. Rather Bell was deflecting any question regarding her knowing about the SSS disbanding with an obnoxious laugh while Elie grew more and more annoyed at her friend.

Tio: "It is true though."

Randy: "See, even T can see it."

Lloyd: "I can't believe that this is a conversation."

The elevator ping told them to get out. They were on the top floor of the IBC, the one where he and Elie almost-

Tio: "I thought you went to detective school."

Randy: "Did he? He should be able to catch hints then."

Lloyd: "I'm not- I mean I am a detective but-"

Elie turned around for a brief glimpse to see if the rest of them were still following. She caught Lloyd's eye casually and flashed a smile to him before turning to Bell again.

Randy: "That's a hint."

Tio: "Definitely a hint."

Lloyd: "I- shut up."

Mariabell led them into the president's office, now her office, and they found that the place was mostly the same, with now a bit more room in the middle of it, probably due to this support request.

Mariabell: "Well then! I'll leave it in your capable hands!" She pushed a small notebook to Randy's chest before leaving.

She slammed the door shut.

Randy: "Ok, let's see what this is all about." He started scanning the book and immediately backed away from the rest of the team a few steps. "Oh I see... I see."

Elie: "Oh I'd imagine it's a good script if he's-" she turned pale after reading a bit.

Lloyd raised an eyebrow before looking at it with Tio.

Lloyd: "She wants to wha-" 

Elie: "NO WAY" She backed up into the wall before trying to open the door.

Tio: "What's the thing about?" The booklet was too high up for her to read, partially because Randy was keeping it out of her reach.

Lloyd had gotten silent with a complicated look on his face before Randy put his hand on his shoulder.

Randy: "Consider this my biggest favor." he whispered at him while Tio tiptoed trying to look at the script. He handed it to her before going up to the camera. "Okay! Let's get to work. Elie if you'd be so kind as to get on stage with Lloyd, please."

Lloyd & Elie: "WHAT?"

Tio had a puzzled face looking at the script while reading it out loud.

Tio: "-eed to display how a proper employee of the IBC should behave. We will now proceed to demonstrate what precautions need to be taken with your loved one in regards to sexual intercourse and what is sexual harassment."

Elie had gone whiter as if somehow reading it out loud was worse. She slowly creeped sideways to the door before realizing the door was locked from the outside.

Elie: "Bell! This is not funny!"

Lloyd was pressing on his temple trying to figure out a way to get out of this one.

Lloyd: "Randy!? Who decided you'd be the cameraman in the first place!?" He got over and tugged at the camera before Randy easily picked the device and put it out of Lloyd's reach. He was still a bit taller than him.

Randy: "Well for starters, if I were to explain all that it'd be boring! We need, as Mariabell says, live examples of what actually constitu-"

Elie: "No! No no!" She slammed her Enigma shut. "Bell this is seriously not a joke!" She suddenly looked up and saw Lloyd looking at her which turned her beet red, a nice shade of color, compared to her silver hair.

Randy: "Technically that's sexual harassment, Lloyd. See! You're already in the mood!"

Elie & Lloyd: "Shut up Randy!"

Tio: "-will then proceed to put on the cond-"

Elie: "TIO STOP!"

Randy: "Oh! T is my assistant as she already has most of the script memorized, I wouldn't expect less of T!"

Lloyd: "Randy this is only making this worse!" He was also getting flustered by the fact that Elie was basically broadcasting their reactions to the whole city by screaming so loud.

Tio: "-lic transportation, a man presses his body against you in a way that'd make you uncomfortable-"

Elie: "Aaaaahhh!" She basically opted to cover her ears and start shouting over Tio not to hear her.

Which, ironically, made her not realize that the door opened and someone else got tossed into the mix, before closing the door again.

Tio dropped the notebook while everyone else looked at the newcomer with complete disbelief.

Randy: "Mishy?"

Mishy shrugged. Clearly not the characteristically outgoing and _very_ vocal Mishy from MWL.

Mariabell: "I figured that this might get you to work sooner rather than later. We can hear the screams from the lobby." Her voice from the other side of the door.

Elie: "Open up Bell! We are going to have a very serious talk once I'm out of here!" Banging on the door with her fist.

Lloyd: "Which stage of grief was this?"

Randy: "I think this is bargaini-" an IBC photo album flying into his face cut his quip short.

Mariabell: "Was that my dad's photo album? Don't worry, he has like 3 more!"

Elie growled back at her.

A small awkward silence now that rage had settled Elie down, invaded the room.

Tio: "Why is... Mishy... here?"

Randy: "Are you here to film or something?" He asked, pointing at Mishy with the photo album while he massaged his forehead.

Elie had, now, composed herself and was meditating using the revolver on the door handle.

Mishy nodded.

Tio: "Randy, can I do the filming?"

Elie and Lloyd turned around as if they'd heard someone scream help.

Lloyd: "No no no, Tio. We can-"

Tio: "Please, Lloyd, I will try my hardest for the SSS and for this to be our final support request"

Elie: "Tio this isn't something we ca-"

Tio: "Please!" She was already dragging Mishy to the front of the camera.

Randy: "Hey don't look at me. Unless you want to do the filming?" Elie and Lloyd were struck by lightning and froze

A few extra minutes of convincing made Elie and Lloyd lean back against the wall behind the camera while Randy made the finishing touches to start filming with an overly anxious Tio tugging Mishy at every time she had a chance.

After insisting heavily, Tio took the script and started reading it in a voice that would put even a train announcer to sleep.

Tio: "Greetings. I, Tio Plato, officer of the Crossbell State police department, member of the SS-"

Randy: "Ok, ok, stop. Keep it simpler."

Tio: "Greetings. I, Tio Plato, officer of the Crossbell State police departmen-"

Randy: "I said simpler! Not faster!"

Tio: "Ok then Randy, how should I do this?"

Randy: "Say something like: 'We, the SSS will now walk you through blah blah'. Now let's try again."

Meanwhile, Lloyd and Elie were paying extremely close attention to their shoelaces and hair respectively.

Tio: "We, the SSS will now walk you through blah bla-"

Lloyd's facepalm was heard across the entire room while Elie tried holding back laughter, half failing.

Randy: "Ok now you're doing that on purpose."

Tio: "Only a little bit."

Randy sighed.

Randy: "Ok, from the top!"

After the mood was extremely lightened by Tio, Lloyd and Elie shared a conversation. Well, shared was a way of saying it.

Elie: "I'm going to murder her once I get out of here."

Lloyd: "That's prob-"

Elie: "She won't know what hit her. I'll stalk her all day if I have to and I-"

Lloyd: "I'm not sur-"

Elie: "She will regret doing this to me even more when I personally withdraw from the bank!"

Tio: "-e men and women toilets are separated and that division should absolutely never-" her voice filtered through the silver haired woman's rant

Elie: "She even dared to do this after she knows how I feel abo-"

Lloyd: "Ahem!"

Randy: "Lloyd! Stop ruining this!"

Tio glared at them.

Tio: "-tercourse, the man should use a condom to avoid unwanted pregnancies."

Lloyd: "Wait what? How is this a normal thing to do for a compan-"

Randy waved at him to shut up.

While Tio was reading the script, Mishy showed a condom on his paw to the camera.

Tio: "Mishy will now proceed to demonstrate how to properly put one on."

Elie & Lloyd: "?!"

Mishy: "!?"

Tio: "Whenever you're ready, Mishy."

Mishy looked puzzled at the small thing in its hand trying to figure out how to open it. After a few seconds he had the piece of rubber in his hand, but had no clue what to do with it. A few pointers from Randy quickly made them realize that anatomically, Mishy's suit was innapropiate for a proper demonstration.

Tio: "Oh I know! The tail!"

Randy: "Oooh, that's a nice idea, T."

Mishy turned around and Tio first stroked the tail a bit.

Tio: "Oh this tail is so fluffy" She gave it a quick hug.

Elie: "Does she not know?!" she whispered at Lloyd, egging him to do something.

Lloyd: "Hey she insisted real hard to do this, I wanted to back off"

Elie: "Then tell her what she's doing!"

Lloyd: "Me? But you're a woman, I'm sure she ca-"

Tio: "The tail is too big... I'm not sure if it'll fit all the way to the top"

Elie was pressing on the bridge of her nose, somehow keeping annoyance in check.

Elie: "See? This will get worse"

Randy meanwhile was holding back laughter. His voice was breaking a bit when he turned around to the others.

Randy: "Does someone have anything that-" His eyes glued to Elie's hip.

Elie: "Wh-what." She took a step back.

Randy: "Give her your revolver. It'll work perfectly"

Elie: "Wha- how? No"

Randy: "Trust me it'll work out. Just give it to her. Unload it first of course" 

Elie: "I- uh..." she sighed. "Fine."

Tio: "Randy I'm quite sure it won't fit. Maybe if-"

Elie showed up from the side and tried giving her the revolver but Tio and Mishy grabbed her arms.

Elie: "Eh? No I'm not re-"

Randy: "And on-stage is our second assistant for today, Miss Elie McDowell! Some applause please"

Tio: "Yay..."

Tio applauded half heartedly while Lloyd managed to clap a few times before Elie stared daggers back at him.

Lloyd: "Ha ha, are we sure that this is the bes-"

Randy: "Shh, this is important"

Elie was making sure her revolver was unloaded one more time before holding it out.

Tio: "Then you proceed to put the tip of th-" she glanced sideways to the script "shaft and stretch the rubber all the way to the end"

Elie: "Wait Tio, not that strongly or it'l-"

Tio's hands went all the way past the revolver and into Elie's chest.

Randy gave Lloyd a thumbs up, Lloyd smiled, hoping that Elie wouldn't catch that.

After the condom broke, Tio handed it to Mishy and proceeded as if it was normal procedure.

Tio: "Moving on, every IBC member should be well aware of-" She started reading off the script again while Elie, revolver in hand, stalked off to the side.

Not before Mishy grabbed her arm and pulled her back in, pleading for her to stay.

Tio: "-ll kinds of sexual harassment, like staring at women's ches-" she stopped for a half second, and shot a sideways glance to Elie

Elie forced a smile at Tio before mouthing something to Lloyd

Lloyd: "We should probably get her out of there"

Randy: "Oh no, the fun's only starting" He checked an extra copy of the script which he somehow had.

Tio: "A woman wearing a skirt has to be careful of how men will often try to catch a peek of what's underneath it" Mishy nodded sagely.

Mishy then moved extremely fast and dropped to the feet of both girls, trying to catch a glimpse of something

Elie jumped back.

Tio, unfazed, moved on.

Tio: "But in the worst case scenario, a woman might find herself facing unwanted touching."

Elie, who was again being stopped by Mishy from leaving, snapped back to look at Tio, then Lloyd. Mishy then struggled to keep her from leaving again by trying to grab both arms.

Tio: "A man might come up from behind and start pressing himself against you, like Mishy and Elie are doing as an example"

Mishy immediately let go.

Elie: "Wait that's not-"

Tio: "There's also a couple of other ways." She scanned the script. "As my assistants will show, a man can."

Elie: "Wait stop! This isn't part of the script is it?! This can't be."

A huge silence from the other 4 people in the room made her accept her fate as she slumped down into one of the sofas that was still in camera.

Randy's camera now followed Mishy as he creeped up to Elie and waited on the instructions from Tio.

Tio: "Innapropiate touching on the legs, the chest, stomach area, arms. In fact any kind of unwanted invasion of personal space can be considered sexual harassment."

Mishy proceeded to poke Elie in all the places, except the chest area which she had covered and glared at Mishy, daring him to try it. The revolver was also not holstered, for some reason.

Tio: "Thank you, assistants!" Elie got up, shoulders slumped, and walked back off camera.

Tio: "This is all for the IBC's guidelines on sexual harassment. We wish to remind you that in fact any kind of consented sexual interaction on the premises of the building is also forbidden, for everyone's sake."

Tio bowed and Mishy bowed as well.

Tio: "Thank you for watching this short informational video"

Randy: "Aaaand cut."

Lloyd: "Phew. Glad this is over"

Elie: "Now listen here yo-" she grabbed her revolver and stalked to Mishy "Lloyd! Let me go!"

Lloyd: "You can't just go and shoot him Elie he had nothing to do with it!"

Elie: "Like hell he- wait he?"

Randy: "So anyways, T, nice job" She stuck out her thumb back at Randy.

Lloyd: "Elie! Don't!"

Mishy was moving slowly behind Tio.

Tio: "So Randy, what is... um..." she peeked at the last page of the script "the point of doing all this. The condom and stuff"

Everyone, even Mishy turned around.

Randy: "Uh, T, you see... uh" He looked at Lloyd.

Lloyd: "No don't look at me."

Elie facepalmed, she holstered her weapon before walking up to Tio.

She whispered something to her for a few seconds, Tio meanwhile nodded abruptly a few times.

Tio: "I see. Uh huh..."

After a few seconds Tio's face was as expressive as ever while Elie turned and slowly walked back.

Tio: "So wait does it mean that I can make little Mishy babies"

Randy: "Haha! No, T, it doesn't work like that"

Tio turned to Mishy.

Tio: "Really? I kind of hoped it would be the case..."

Mishy was looking at her.

Randy: "In any case, how would that even work? Lloyd, any insights?"

Lloyd: "Uh, no?"

Randy: "Elie?"

She glared back at him and reached for her gun again

Randy: "Whoa whoa no need for that"

Lloyd: "Elie can we just get this over with"

Elie sighed really hard before turning around and seeing Tio leaning on the desk with Mishy trying to recreate what a-

Lloyd: "HEY!?"

Elie: "What the hell!?"

Randy: "Yo!"

Elie slammed Mishy off, who rolled a couple of times while the Mishy face fell a few feet away.

Tio: "No it's ok I asked him to tell me ho-"

Elie: "Tio!"

She pointed at the now unmasked Mishy.

Tio: "..."

Randy: "Wait."

Elie & Tio: "Jona!?"

Lloyd: "Jona? How?"

Jona dragged himself back, limping before realizing he had Tio and Elie, weapons aimed at him. His mouth was taped shut.

Elie tugged on the tape. Real hard.

Jona: "OUCH!"

Elie: "Any final words?"

Jona: "Mariabell Crois forced me to do this! I didn't want to do it, she said she would have exposed my hacking to the police and have me jailed or something"

Lloyd and Randy had come up to him as well, not sure what to make of this.

Randy: "You do know that we're cops, right?"

Lloyd: "And by saying that you basically are telling us that you-"

Elie: "Lloyd, let me handle this." Her mannerism changed. She was now smiling and her stance was somehow more easygoing, but every step she took towards Jona resembled an earthquake.

Randy: "Uh Lloyd?"

Lloyd: "I..."

Elie: "It's ok Jona. You didn't know what you were doing."

Tio: "It is Jona. He is an idiot bu-" Elie shrugged her off

Elie: "No no. I understand. You were forced into everything. But you know there is a way that you can avoid any bad consequences."

Jona's eyes glinted.

Jona: "Really?! How I mean I can't pay you or any-"

Elie: "You could just die now and avoid it"

Tio: "Elie, let's go."

Elie: "I'm ready when you are."

Lloyd: "Uh... everyone let's cal-"

Elie & Tio: "COLD GEHENNA!"

Jona's screams were heard up to the top of Orchis Tower, partially because of the now broken windows in the IBC director's office.


End file.
